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This week I spent a lot of time in the studio working on a painting that I had called “Complete Honesty” as a working title. The title came from the book I was reading, The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. The four agreements are: 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do you best. The theory is, if you can live your life according to these four agreements which you make with yourself, you will be able to break out of the false agreements which most of us live under.

So I started out the painting with the idea that I was going to be completely honest while painting. Sounds simple enough. But what did I mean by “honest?” I had to think about that for awhile, and decided that by honest I meant that I would look at the painting with non-judgmental eyes. My tendency is to either be too critical, thinking everything sucks, or to be too lenient, thinking everything is great. So my challenge to myself was to neither become too attached to elements nor too detached. I had to allow myself to paint freely, then step back and see with fresh eyes what was working, what wasn’t. I had to suspend the judgments based on my insecurities and my need for control. I had to trust that the painting would reveal its purpose and to add or eliminate based on that purpose.

So this is where I started. A gesture drawing of two horses with the words “complete” and “honesty” written in their manes. At this point I had no idea of the purpose of the painting, other than that these two horses appeared as I was making marks on the canvas.

I almost felt the painting was complete at this point, and maybe it was. But the idea of dawning was in my head, and I decided to go with that thought and painted in a sunlit sky and red grasses in the foreground. As I was painting, trees began to emerge, and I got caught up in painting the trees and the way intense sunlight bounces off the branches. As I continued painting, these trees became very important, until I stepped back and noticed a conflict between the trees and the horses. I had given both equal importance.

So back to complete honesty. What was this painting about? The horses or the trees? It could go either way. The trees made a strong case for their importance. So I became still and opened my heart and mind and allowed the painting to reveal itself to me. I let go of the trees and the horses and the words. I stopped concentrating on the elements and looked at the whole. I let go of my fear of making a mistake, of ruining what I had created thus far. Even though it wasn’t working, I felt attached to it. I let go of my attachment.

When I felt completely neutral, I stepped back to the easel, picked up a large brush and started painting from my heart. Painting quickly, I softened the trees and abstracted the background. I painted over the words. I paused…and then I knew the painting and what it is about. The Return of the Warriors. 

In his book, don Miguel speaks of the spiritual warrior. He says the warrior differs from the soldier in that the soldier is trained to follow orders. The warrior must learn to listen to no one but the higher power of his or her self. If I live by the four agreements, then I can totally trust myself.

To me, the horse is the perfect metaphor for the spiritual warrior. The horse symbolizes freedom. Horse medicine is also associated with courage and independence, taking risks and finding your own personal power. Other lessons and powers associated with the horse totem include: adventure, the importance of self-care, joy, perseverance, friendship, creativity and expression.

“Return of the Warriors” is almost complete. I haven’t signed it yet – I’m waiting to see if I need to add or subtract anything to make it a better painting. But I am happy with the intent of the work, and filled with joy that my totem horse has returned.